this is for the lover in you... 💌

a note to my single folks, hopeless romantics, and late-blooming lovers on V-Day.

welp, it’s that time again. 

it’s Valentine’s Day and yes, I have found myself single yet again.

i haven’t talked that openly about my dating life on the internet in years because, how many times can you tell the story of dudes letting you down (lol)

but to be transparent, I definitely allowed myself the space to be disappointed about this year in particular.

i mean, it’s not like I had any expectations that I would be in love right now, but ya girl is always open to a divine plot twist. 

would you believe that in over two decades, I have never had or been a Valentine? aside from the classroom-mandated ones that we all were obligated to participate in, all of my other Valentine’s Days have been spent like an ‘03 Beyoncè song: just me, myself, and I.

i know that can be a pretty heavy thing to be open about online, but I feel like this is something that a lot of us deal with in silence and need a space to sort of… talk it out. 

love is such a delicate topic because everyone’s story, attachment styles, dating history, traumas, journeys, and preferences are so different. but one commonality that *typically* draws us all together is: our desire to feel seen & safe in love.  

and personally, I just haven’t experienced that yet. 

i’ve always felt like love was one of those desires that we’re somehow not supposed to speak on or else we’ll just wish it further away. but how strange is that?

we discuss the jobs we want, the dreams we have, the trips we want to take, and the city we want to live in, but when it comes to love?

oh, that’s one thing you better not touch. 

but why is that? because we’ll sound thirsty? desperate? because we’re just supposed to let it “come to us?” 

“just playing it cool” and “going with the flow” really hasn’t gotten me anywhere in my love life and as I get older, I’m learning that these are actually acts of self-denial that just don’t serve me. 

because I still want to know what it feels like to be in love, fully.

to have the flowers delivered to the door and check the ‘yes’ or ‘no’ boxes of a handwritten Valentine’s Day card, followed by a candle-lit dinner. you know, the whole shebang. 

i’ve often wondered what it means to have never been vocally “chosen” by someone. in fact, I’ve been plagued by the “why’s” of it all for more years than I can count. 

because whether you’ve experienced love in your life and are currently single or have been on a years-long single spree like me, having (what feels like) a void in your love life can bring on a number of intrusive thoughts. 

while all my peers are moving in with partners, getting engaged, having weddings, and making babies, I’m actively dodging situationships before they can form.

it can make you feel behind in life. like a project that needs fixing. out of place. frustrated. or like you’ve done something inherently wrong to cause the lack of love in your life. 

and babyyy, that’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself. 

because what I’m coming to realize is that: everything just boils down to timing.

“timing” is single-handedly the greatest equalizer that life can give us because it’s the one thing we can’t control. 

but reducing the complexities of love down to time may seem counter-culture because every time we turn around, there's a TikTok-guru or divine-beta energy “expert” that trying to make us buy into these false notions.

they want us to panic and be in such a state of hysteria of aging out of love, that we just need to do more work or do one more thing, then we’ll have love in our life. 

and I’m over that. 

@yagirlaleyfound yourself single on #valentinesday? well, this message is for you: show your heart some love — you deserve. #datingadvice #advicetogirls #fyp #blackgirltiktok #blackwomenoftiktok #singleblackwoman #blackfemininity #valentinesday

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as much as we try to rush things to be what we want them to be, we can never outrun or miss the timing of our life. 

it’s so easy to stay in situationships that we know aren’t for us, because we’re afraid that nothing better will come along.

we might even talk ourselves into thinking that the last person (despite how mean, manipulative, and avoidant they were) — was “the one” we should have made it work.

but that’s not fair to yourself and it’s self-abandonment at its finest. 

fear makes us settle. 

fear keeps us stuck in love-less dynamics. 

fear puts us in a space of lack instead of abundance. 

so as singles, what if we approached our love life not in fear of running out of time, but in a place of peace that we are right on time and in perfect alignment. 

the way I see it, God’s got the day I meet the love of my life logged into His eternal calendar like an appointment. and no amount of traffic (breakups, years of singleness, situationships) can keep me from being off of the timing for what’s already mine. 

so if you’re single this Valentine’s Day, here are 7 small things that can help: 

1. breathe through it: it’s just one day out of your beautiful life. 

2. cry if you need to: watch a sappy romcom & honor your *feelzz*. 

3. use the buddy system: if you have a friend/homegirl you can celebrate today with, grab them and do a Galentine’s Day shindig. 

4. pull the plug: stay off social media for the day if you find yourself getting triggered by photos or videos.

5. grab your journal: jot down some things you’re grateful for in the current moment & even script out your ideal love story. 

6. be kind: please, be gentle and kind to yourself & your heart today. 

7. reclaim the day: do what you need to do to be okay today. buy yourself some flowers, run some errands, or ignore the day completely! today doesn’t have to be dreadful, it’s in your hands, love.

& if you don't hear it today, you are so loved. 

be well, 

— ya girl, Aley