are you delusional or do you just need a reason to believe in yourself?
how blind faith shifted my illusion about delusion.
so I just celebrated a birthday.
[thank you, thank you! I too am glad to be here!]
and it feels like I unlocked a new level on the very difficult, yet highly rewarding video game of LIFE.
getting older has a way of putting things under a microscope: it enlarges your desires, expands your views, and magnifies the areas of your life that are flourishing and those that need just a tad bit more sunlight and water.
as I’ve reflected on where I am in my life, I’m comfortable with the reality that I’m not exactly where I want to be, but I’m definitely where I’m supposed to be. but because of my ambitious predisposition, I would be remiss not to acknowledge the glaring areas in my life that have needed more care and attention lately.
as the reality of these areas began to rear their head, it’s pushed me to approach each with a new perspective — one that you might even be familiar with — and that’s: delusion.
while this state of mind has become popularized lately from a string of viral TikToks, delusion and I have had a pretty tight relationship up until 2020 when many of our collective dreams began to crumble.
when I graduated from college, I knew in my spirit, way down in my bones, that I was destined to live in New York City.
i was working at McDonald’s (as my first job post-grad, yay me!) and only had my hopes and dreams to get me through the daunting hours of my graveyard shift, as I handed drunk, short-tempered customers their Big Macs until sunrise. during my walks home at dawn, I would often fantasize about the big city lights, overpriced lattes, and $1 pizzas that awaited me if I just held on to that vision and saved up enough coins to turn that intuitive nudge into my reality.
and 10 months later, I did.
getting to the city was all faith. I landed my first job at a marketing agency from shooting my shot to a recruiter, my cousin opened the doors to his Bronx apartment to me until I stacked enough money to get my own place, and when it was time to get a new apartment, I met my roommate via a connection on IG (which was a cute decent spot in Bedstuy, might I add).
it was amazing to see how all things worked together just off of one small seed of delusion.
although my time in NYC ended after two years, from 2016 to 2020, many of my biggest life decisions were dictated by blind faith, self-belief, and of course, God. I launched projects, did on-camera work, ran a successful blog, interviewed local creatives, met celebrities, landed my dream internship, moved to Los Angeles, and everything in between.
until something blew out my fire.
not to rehash the past, but the end of 2020 going into 2021 really changed who I was as a person.
living in LA, I began to feel completely isolated and depressed in a way that I never felt before. being miles away from my family, ending a very important friendship, not knowing what the future held with my freelance work, it was becoming more and more difficult to dream.
and when I moved back home in May 2021, my life began to feel smaller and smaller.
what was once me approaching life from a place of grandiose optimism, became a need to shield myself from any opportunity for disappointment and rejection.
in order to survive, life made me become realistic, rational, and live within the bounds of possibility, as opposed to outside of them.
this obviously had a negative effect on my mind because rational isn’t my baseline. in fact, I’ve always been the type to trust the mysteries of the waters more than the stability of the shore.
my faith has been the cornerstone of every big thing I’ve ever accomplished, so to have that part of myself bandaged from the battlefields of life, took me out of the game of simply trying… anything.
job rejections were too hard to stomach.
the thought of me getting heartbroken kept me off the dating scene.
& the fear of weighting other’s down with my darkness created distance with my loved ones.
i think when you've experienced so much disappointment in your life, it can make you resort to the most realistic plan; what makes sense, what you can hold and touch.
and for me, the truth was if I could remove myself from the possibility of pain, I could be safe — I would be good. living a small, normal life was starting to be more and more appealing to my pain.
then 2022 came around.
after the pain of the previous year subsided, an old friend of mine began making little appearances. they would nudge me when brands were in my inbox, they would send me a gentle reminder when I got approached with a new opportunity out of the blue, and they’d check in whenever I would doubt the power of my voice and words when my posts would be shared thousands of times.
i’m sure you’ve already guessed what I’m implying, but delusion was the old friend that came around again. and this time, she arrived with a whole new look and perspective.
you see, what I’ve come to understand about delusion now, from that of which I was operating under previously, is that it’s always been rooted in faith. only the previous, more naive one was from a place of my own abilities and the one I’ve picked up now is in that of God’s power and sovereignty.
now?! I’m just crazy enough to believe that God will truly do exceedingly and abundantly beyond what I can ask or think: because God is everything and I am His vessel.
so yes, I still have dreams, and delusion is still fun to partake in, but my imagination can only go so far. i’m tryna get into a position of witnessing God’s imagination, that which is endless and infinite — and that just might come off as delusion, but isn’t that the whole point?!
overall, I think we all need a reason to believe in ourselves a lot more.
especially with the way the world is going, we kind of have to move in a state of delusion to know that the world is on fire but we still have a purpose in the midst of the flames.
i’m not mad at the whole trend of “bEiNg DeLUSiOnaL” as long as…:
if you're going to go for the big things (jobs you’re not “qualified” for, shooting your shot, etc.) allow your delusion to be a buffer for possible disappointment. because rejection can be difficult to navigate at times, so prepare a response to tell yourself to bounce back just in case.
you’re open to healthy feedback. not everyone is a hater, so if you have supportive people in your corner who see your blindspots, take in what’s helpful and continue down the yellow brick road of delusion!
you aren’t causing any harm or distress to others. no stalking a lover you’ve made up in your head and festering on parasocial relationships, beloved. and maybe reframe from brutal honesty just because you feel like you have to “tell it like it is.” the people around you did not ask to be in your world of delusion, so don’t hurt them because of that.
other than that, if it boosts your confidence, makes you reach a goal, and allows you to love yourself and others more, be free, be safe, and be delusional, my little butterflies!
BEFORE YOU GO: here are some things that I’ve been loving lately.
I Wonder - Kanye West
i’ve been listening to this song on repeat because of nostalgia, because of the Jeen-Yuhs doc, because I miss the old Kanye.
J. Cole - Truly Yours 2 Mixtape
speaking of nostalgia, I rediscovered this mixtape while on my birthday trip to DC and unlocked a part of my brain that was literally in that exact city when it dropped!
What Is Delusional Disorder?
the trend of being “delusional” is fun, but Delusion is actually a mental health disorder. so just in case, you wanted a more fact-driven approach to the topics, here’s a video that breaks things down in a digestible way.
Being on My Birthday Behavior!
i gotta say, celebrating my birthday really gave me the recharge I needed — I’m ready to step into this new year and new chapter with all the vigor and passion (and delusion) within me!
are you delusional or do you just need a reason to believe in yourself?
Love love love this post. I appreciate you so much for sharing! I went through a similar experience in 2020, where I suddenly plucked roots from my small town in Ohio and launched into my dream job and home in D.C! It truly was all God, because I really had no idea what was on the other side of this new life I stepped into. People have told me I really 'went for it' and got exactly what I wanted, even though I recognize that faith is really what got me to where I am now. Funny enough, I feel like another shift is about to take place in my life--perhaps less drastic than moving halfway across the country, but nonetheless significant. I will definitely take your words with me and continue to have faith in God, and believe in myself. <3
I am convinced after reading this post that we are soul sistas. I am blown away by how you were speaking to me through your own personal experiences. I have been struggling tremendously trying to navigate these twenty somethings and its tough. Crazy enough, during my monday morning mediation a word stuck with me and it was "Believe." I can't make this shit up lol. I realized I had to believe so much more harder in myself than I ever have before in order to see real change in my world. Aley girl I am going to do just that, believe. I needed this, Thank you! Niy, xoxo.