are IRL friendships outdated?
have "post-pandemic" friendship dynamics become nothing more than "just checking in?"
i recently stumbled upon this tweet the other day and it got my wheels turning…
it stated the following:
now, like most sentiments shared on the internet, this one echoed inward thoughts that I’ve had trouble putting words to on my own — until now.
you see, over the last 2 years, much like the greater population, I’ve had to navigate fluctuating connections between friendships that were growing at the cusp of the global pandemic. this event has since produced an aftershock that prematurely stubbed potential bonds from growing deeper.
when I moved to LA in 2019, I imagined myself setting up shop, while making a home, and a name for myself. in the best case scenarios, I would eventually cultivate a tribe of my own, made up of chosen family, creative comrades, and potential bridesmaids.
“just give it two years,” was the resounding advice strangers and veterans, transplants and locals alike would share, as I searched for insight that would aid and soothe the wounds of my loneliness. eventually, through work, (which happened to be an all Black/POC workspace - more on that another day…) and a church group that I joined; I connected with other dope, young, Black people who I could see being in my life for years to come.
until, of course, March 2020, when everything shifted.
i won’t bore you by rehashing that year; I mean, you were there too lol but for about 9 months straight, most of my new friends started going on good-bye tours, and it felt like there wasn’t a month or two that went by that I didn’t get invited to a socially distanced farewell gathering or have the news broke to me over a facetime. the separation was jarring and sort of sparked this awkward wedge of emotions that made me want to keep the connection going while battling the question of when and if I’d ever see those people again.
as the world re-opened, I’ve been able to take trips that have reconnected me with these long-distance besties, but the strain to keep in contact has been hard to ignore.
what were once conversations over brunch or weekly encounters, became long spans of time where either party would contact the other.
things have smoothed over a bit in the last 6 months or so, as we all have gotten acclimated to our “new normals” but it took one of my darkest seasons of isolation to come to realize that I needed a lot more out of the friendships than the occasional, “hey girl, just checking in” texts.
granted, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this mode of communication. I mean, who doesn’t appreciate a welfare check every now and again. people be busy, life gets hectic, and if you’ve had COVID before, I think it takes a couple of brain cells with it on the way out. still, that just further proves the vast difference between having friends and community in close proximity vs. associates that are miles away, both physically and emotionally.
which brings me back to the tweet.
while I do agree that there are friends that you can maintain love between, even if you don’t hear from them often, I’ve given myself the permission to recategorize this type of dynamic away from the word “friend.”
there’s a very particular type of exhaustion that comes from always having to condense your life and the events that take place into a 1-hour conversation, through a verbal dumping session. and sometimes, I feel like that's what these long-distance dynamics have become.
do you know how much a person’s condition, mental state, career, relationships, and creative endeavors, all can shift in the span of a couple of months? let me just tell you from experience, it’s a lot! and wouldn’t you want your friends around to share those things with?
because of our human nature, we sometimes forget about things that aren’t in front of us, or as the old saying goes, “out of sight, out of mind.” now, that doesn’t mean that you’re out of that person’s heart, but the people you value, love, and cherish need a lot more than quarterly check-ins.
this gets a lot deeper when, in this moment, i think of Cheslie Kryst and the news of her taking her life early this week, and I can only imagine what kind of isolation, hopelessness, depression, loneliness, and other emotions gripped her so tightly, she could only see her end in front of her.
to be told you’re loved & to have love actualized in your life are two completely different experiences. the heart & mind need more than just words. - Aley Arion
it just makes me wonder who she shared space with and who was in her corner — not just “checking in” or liking her pictures on IG, assuming all was well. because depression doesn’t have a face. it doesn’t have a look or a persona — so there’s no real ability to spot the signs through a curated feed or text message.
it also makes me reflect on the same for myself, as I look around at the connections I hold, as I too, have faced similar levels of darkness.
that’s why I’ve come to embrace the reality that community care and close-comradery are my friendship dynamics of choice. we all need more than just check-ins. we need more than “yeah, she good.” we need more heart connections that go beyond DMs, texts, and para-social assumptions. we need deep, active, and intimate care in our friendships and relationships.
so allow this to be a call for more love, IRL.
so sure, this might have been a pretty heavy introduction to the newsletter, but I’m glad you’re here. like, really, I’m glad you’re breathing, and that you’re alive to read this. these reads won’t always be this heavy, but they will be this real; I can promise you that.
with that said, welcome to Creative Girl Check-In! 💖
after every check-in, I’ll be sharing some things that I’ve been loving lately! starting with…
Television: Ready To Love
this show really gives The Bachelor a run for its money! I’ve been watching it for a few seasons now, but this last season was a doozy! whew, who knew watching mid-aged Black folks find love would be so juicy! watch it on OWN Network or bootleg it… I mean… stream it on Youtube!
Beauty: Ami Colè
okay, so this is one of those lip glosses that will always be on my lips, taking my coins, and brought up whenever someone needs a gloss recommendation. the Lip Oil Treatment is so sensational and doesn’t leave your lips feeling too sticky. Brown girl certified! if you want to give it a try, use my code here to get $10 off your first purchase!
Wellness: Olly’s Melatonin Gummies
these are by far the best melatonin gummies on the market! i take two before bed and I’m out like a light — without the groggy feeling in the morning! i got mine from Target #notsponsered!
Podcasts: Black Girl Flow
i recently had the pleasure of being interviewed on this amazing platform to discuss living in a small town with big dreams, my thoughts on the Insecure Finale (😅), what it means to be “Bottom Happy” and more! many of gems! check it out below! (available on Apple Podcast too lol)
Music: Breathe Deeper x Tame Impala
i stumbled across this song recently and it’s literally on repeat! since I’m a music nerd, I found the reverb versions and it slaps just as hard. thank me later!
take care & be well!
— ya girl, Aley
are IRL friendships outdated?
Thank you for sharing this piece, I agree with you completely. It reminds me to express my need of growing deeper in my relationships and whenever questioning a friendship to really listen to my intuition.
Hey Aley, I really enjoyed this check-in. I’m about to add “go sit and chat with a friend”on the to-do list. This was a healthy reminder. Thanks girl✨